It was time to buy new pants for work and shorts for the summer. I can’t wear anything from last summer, and my work pants are officially too big.
For those interested in the weight loss aspect, I cannot in any way shape or form tell you how many pounds lost - I do not weigh myself. When my clothes get too big, I buy the next size down. When my clothes get too small, I buy the next size up. However, I will tell you that when I went back to work (August 2007) my pants were a size 22. These reasonably decent-fitting pants are a size 16. I am not following a diet program of any kind - I eat what I want when I want it.
Also? I’m not frowning, I’m squinting - the lighting in there was painfully awful AND it was uncomfortably loud in that particular retail establishment.
Now that we’ve got the introductions out of the way, let’s just write a letter to the clothing manufacturers of the world, shallwe?
Dear Clothing Manufacturer:
I write to you today with an engineering challenge. Generally speaking, if I find a pair of pants that covers my bubblebutt, the belly is hanging out - and vice versa. I need a waistband that can handle both, since neither is going away anytime soon. I need a waistband that isn’t going to show the whole world my granny panties, and won’t dig TOO horribly into my belly (because really? all waistbands dig in.) Could you possibly get some Real Women With Curves into your fitting program? Waistbands like this should.not.happen. We can rebuild it; we have the technology.
Yes, I know I could probably pay a tailor to correct that small problem in the back. But Clothing Manufacturer? If I buy the pants, I don’t have money left over for tailoring. I may as well buy fabric and sew my own, and that’s a path that we simply do NOT want to go down!
So please, please. Have mercy on my coworkers and the rest of the world. Fix my pants.
Sincerely,
Emily
I feel much better now
You sure have come a long way in the last few years, huh? Listen, thanks for not exploding when my blood pressure took off. Hell, thanks for not exploding during that last month of pregnancy. It really means a lot to me that you were able to keep it together through all that neglect. And I know, I know - I need to start taking vitamins again. But can I have props for at least remembering to take our daily meds?
I want you to know that I really don’t expect you to look a certain way anymore (although I really wish that I had THIS attitude back when a quarter could bounce off our ass and make change). I know that the off-the-shelf clothes don’t really fit properly, and I’m sorry about that. Clothing manufacturers have to hit a sort of size range, and well….with a waist that is 7 inches smaller than your hips, nothing is really going to really work.
The way I see it, there are only a few things we need to work on. That whole not-sleeping thing we’ve got going on? Yeah, we need to fix that the rest of the way. It’s time to wrap the brain around a bathing suit - we promised the kids we’d go to the beach this year. And really, truly - it’ll be OK if we leave the majority of the books in the van instead of carrying them around all.day.long. Also? How about if we work on that whole “priorities” thing? You know - schoolwork THEN the google reader.
One last thing: You were a huge asshole when you were fourteen. Your daughter is a huge asshole now that she’s fourteen. You got over it (for the most part), so will she. A panic attack every time she pitches a fit really is overkill.
This is my contribution to BlogHer’s Letter to my Body campaign.
