Looking back and acknowledging my History, so I won’t repeat it
On this very day 4 years ago, I hopped a plane with two badly-packed suitcases, two kids, and came back to my folks house for what we’d planned on being a 3-month stay. Just until I find a job, get the kids in school, and find an apartment.
Funny how that works, innit?
Time does heal wounds, and I’m in a good place mentally, finally. I realized that even if we would’ve had counselling, our relationship didn’t have much of a chance. We were damaged people to start with, and then piled a lot of stressful life events on top of that. I won’t go into Tig’s issues here because, really - it’s none of my business anymore. But my husband had left me (July 1999), I moved to be near Tig (February 2000), we had a baby (April 2001), a complete role reversal in our relationship (when I moved there, I was working and he was a student. After Daniel was born, I quit my job and he went to work.) and then we moved AGAIN (August 2001). With that last move, we put over 1000 miles between us and our respective support systems. Is it any wonder our relationship combusted so spectacularly?
It bothers me that we don’t talk, and that he doesn’t have a relationship with his son. I miss the conversations we used to have, and his friendship.
But now I’m Moving On…and I’ll let you in on a lil’ somethin too.
Oprah did a show on something called “The Secret” a while back (Last week I think?). They made a joke about how “The Secret is…it’s not really a Secret”. Before I left Tig, someone had recommended that I acquire a book by Lynn Grabhorn called Excuse me, Your Life is Waiting and I bought it. I just didn’t read it until after I got home. It has the same general premise as The Secret - find a good thought, wrap it in all the positive thought and love that you can, and hang on until it comes true.
I’ve found it to work rather well. There have been stressful moments, money-wise, that simply faded away. There have been kid/teen situations, too, that have worked themselves out rather well.
I do take issue, however, with The Experts saying to be specific - as specific as possible - when you are thinking of your Secret, your Goal, your Dream. Being specific is a good thing, in and of itself - it helps to outline what it is that you want. Being specific is a bad thing, in that by being TOO specific, you are limiting the Goodness of the Universe.
I’ll give you a few minutes to consider that.
Since reading the book, I’ve had several different Dreams to wrap up in love. Some of them have come true, some of them haven’t yet. I’ve started school and it’s going so much better than I could’ve conceived, and I really do have awesome kids.
The one that scares me the most is the one of the Perfect Man for My Family. Not the perfect man, not the perfect man for *me* only, but the Perfect Person for ALL of us.
Yeah, I know it’s a tall order, but dude - it’s the UNIVERSE we’re talkin about. ANYTHING is possible.
Why does it scare me so much? Honestly, “scare” isn’t quite the right word. It is that thing I dare to dream of. And it’s very much like watching your child do acrobatics on playground equipment. You watch, sometimes through your fingers as you cover your face, and you wait. And you hope and pray that they don’t fall.
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